You are too open!

I was recently confronted by a family member. They were concerned about the content I was posting on this platform. Afraid it would affect jobs, relationships and put me in danger for terrible things. Past me probably would have freaked out and said you don’t understand me, shutting them out of my life for a while. However, I’ve become more understanding of other point of views and understand that my way of thinking is not the only way of thinking. Thats the reason its not blasted all over my social media and on a separate platform all together. Not everyone wants to read about this content and I don’t want to force my beliefs on to others. It was interesting to sit down and explain to my mum exactly why I am posting provocative content and my personal experiences openly and honestly. However it was also exciting because I felt as though she understood who I am and what I believe in.

My views on life have drastically changed in the past year or two and I am so excited about it. Not because I want to change but because I’m going through this crazy rollercoaster at the moment where I’m really diving deep and figuring out who I am. I hope this feeling never goes away. I obviously want to feel content with who I am as a human however I also want to continue to change and evolve. It’s an interesting part of life that continues to amaze me. So why these topics? Well I think we all know that story and I can’t be bothered to go back into the past. So one word, abuse. Physically and mentally, all at once in a crazy love hurricane. I was lucky or unlucky, I’m not to sure, to be sheltered from this crazy thing that affects the world however it hit me like a ton of bricks when I moved to the US and well I didn’t know what to think. So after all of that and another year of being really fucking sad and honestly in denial for much of it, I came to the realization that I wasn’t crazy. Well I am, but not that kind of crazy. And that many, in fact millions and probably billions of people go through the same emotions as I did and continue to. I talk about my story because sometimes you need to read a story about someone distant from you that you feel connected to. You feel comfort in similarities. For better and worse. And unfortunately I am not one to shy away from this. People only give a shit about something once they go through it. A perfect example of this would be the bloody gun laws in the US. People only seem to open there eyes to the destruction that is happening around them once a loved one is affected. It takes fucking murder for you to realize that guns are not good for society. But anyway, that’s another topic and another time.

So my blog. Why do I write this? Why do I post serious, funny, intimate moments of my life on here. Well you see, I’m an open book and I always have been. I’ve never been afraid to speak about these topics so that defiantly made it easier for me. Another reason is because I truly believe the world as a whole is really sex negative. I put on a tv show with my dad and the first scene was a sex scene. He told me this was disgusting and to turn it off before walking away. For me this is ridiculous. I never got the birds and the bees talk and I never spoke about sex with my parents. This isn’t necessarily my parents fault however sex has become a taboo topic that people feel uncomfortable to talk about and I believe this is the reason teens are falling pregnant, STDS are so common, abuse, rape and so on. We are uneducated. As am I. I’m a 23 year old gal that is figuring her shit out and feels the need to blurt it out on this blog. I’m sure there are things I’ll write about that someone 20 years older than me will just shake their head at. And that’s ok. They have experienced it, gone through it and processed it. I’m just doing that now in my life and maybe someone 20 years older than me has never experienced it either. It’s life. But sex is one of the most important things about us. For one it actually physically creates us. Without sex I wouldn’t be here. That’s nuts. So that’s a pretty obvious one. But we humans also crave touch. Everyone needs human touch in some way shape or form. And sex is a pretty great one. It connects us to different people in ways that we can’t get through anything else. Hell, even touching yourself connects you to you. It’s an intimate moment that rushes through your body and binds one together. So if we are going to do the touching, we may as well feel open and comfortable enough to talk about it and to respect one another along the way. While also enjoying ourselves. So that’s why I write this stuff. To learn. I want to learn about life, love, relationships, sex and humans in general. I also want to be the best human I can be and sometimes to do that you need to show your faults along the way. Grow from it, learn from it and evolve into another creature. It’s almost like we mutate into a different beating heart every time a crazy life lesson comes our way. That’s fucking rad. We are literally leveling up in real life. All I’m thinking about right now is Mario bros, when you get bigger and smaller in the game. It’s us. Taking hits and then gaining more strength than you had before. This weird metaphor just got me thinking but also means that it’s time for me to stop typing. So with all of that and Mario bros of course, I really believe conversation is our power. Learn from others and feel brave and confident to speak your heart.

The other woman

Cheating, a frowned upon experience that leaves people heart broken. We all know someone that has cheated or has been cheated on, however what if you are the other woman. What’s it like? How does it feel? Are you to blame?

Well, I was the other woman for months and honestly I loved it. Not because I enjoyed knowing the other party did not agree to this. That part gave me nightmares and guilt beyond belief, it’s part of the reason why it fizzled out. However he had the best cock I’d ever seen and he actually knew how to use it- gave him multiple high fives for that one. But it wasn’t just damn good sex, it was also thrilling. We shouldn’t have been meeting up to fuck but we were doing it anyway. We stopped using our brains and emotions and thought with our pussies. I’d just gone through the worst breakup of my life and was trying to move forward. I was focusing on myself at the time, surrounding myself with everyone I love and just going out drinking. You know the typical post breakup bullshit. It kept my mind occupied at the time. So this guy, let’s call him Steve, Steve was a customer at my work and I thought he was super sexy. He was 11 years my senior and for some reason I’ve always been attracted to the older dudes. lots of facial hair, a little grey here and there. One day I saw him outside and he looked a little sad, I asked if everything was ok, he said he was sorting out his divorce. Me, being the very single horny sheila I was at the time took this as an opportunity to ask the dude out for a drink… I laugh back at this now but he said yes, we grabbed a beer and hit it off. We grabbed beers most afternoons after that. Very quickly the conversation was all about sex, our kinks, our experiences and just our love for sex in general. Every time I left the bar I was horny as all hell and just couldn’t stop thinking about him fucking me. So one day, thinking he was basically divorced I told him to not look into anything, however I wanted to fuck him and well it turns out so did he. We had this mutual no strings attached agreement where we would meet up, bang and leave. It was blissful. A positive to all of this as well was I actually cleaned my house every week. So an ongoing no strings attached situation is also excellent for the whole organizational aspect too. I hate that I was proud of myself for cleaning my house every week but if you know me, you know I’m a 23 year old chaotic hot mess most of the time. So this was a huge ‘I’m a fucking adult moment for me’.

This mutual agreement went on for months, we had good sex and great conversation. We spoke morning to night, most of it was just good old dirty sexting but we did actually give a shit about each other, I think. Eventually the divorce thing came out as a ‘we went through a rough patch but we are all good now’. So now I’m like, well fuck, I’m officially the other woman. What I should have done was stopped this affair right away however apart of me wasn’t over having his cock inside of me. I hate that I’m saying that but it’s true. I caught some feelings at one point however quickly detached myself because I knew the outcome would not be in my favour. Ladies, know that there’s a slim chance that men will actually leave their wives for you especially if you are already doing the deed. That’s what they want. They are probably having not so great sex or they aren’t fucking at all, so you giving it to them is fulfilling that need and most likely making them a better partner to their significant other.

Eventually, the guilt of it all kind of took over me. I would still talk with him however never really follow through on the actual sex thing. I think I was all sexed out at this point aswell, I wanted someone to also care about me. We did meet up one other time late at night, I was really intoxicated and had red lipstick on. We screwed in his car for a brief second and I think he got freaked out. The perfume, lipstick. I mean if I was trying to successfully keep an affair I would to. So he ended up leaving and saying that he would come over on Tuesday. He messaged me the rest of the night as usual. The next morning I shot him a text apologizing for being such a mess the night before and I never heard anything from him. Tuesday rolls around, still nothing. I was like shit she knows. I don’t know if she knows it’s me but she knows he’s been fucking someone else. I haven’t spoken to him since and I’m assuming I won’t hear anything from him again. At the end of the day I fucked up when I knew he wasn’t single, I put myself first, however I never had a commitment to a relationship or theirs for that matter. One of my biggest pet peeves is when women and men take it out on the other person. Why? What do they owe you? nothing. It’s your significant other you need to be mad at.

At the end of the day I don’t regret this. He helped me not go back to my ex partner multiple times and I’m thankful for that. I regret the fact that I actually came across an almost perfect cock though. I haven’t gotten one like that since and now I just feel a little disappointed by all the rest. But time will move on and I will get used to the normal penis again. So Steve if you read this, work out how to love your wife and sort your shit out. I know it’s easier judging from the outside than in, however if you are willing to do this to your monogamist relationship then there’s a problem. You aren’t being fair to you, your wife or anyone else for that matter. It’s just selfish.

Love Always, Ashley

The Girly-Girl

Why woman don’t feel comfortable to let their girly side shine

The Girly-Girl. A category of woman that is defined by loving pink, weak, fearful, loves shopping, hates dirt and always carries a purse around…. WHAT, I know. When I googled this I burst out laughing however was somewhat offended that someone who shows their feminine side is placed into these categories. I’ve recently been thinking about the way people react when I’m wearing something ‘girly’. I get comments like “you are so extra”, “how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?”, “you are so not suited for the coffee industry” and last but not least, the best one of them all “basic”.

I consider myself a feminist, as most woman and men do. For a long time I believed that I couldn’t be a feminist because I was too girly. I thought I wouldn’t be accepted into this community because of the way I looked. I grew up dancing all my life, I was taught to apply makeup from the age of 5. I was wearing dance heels at age 10 and was encourage to show my feminine and sexy side on stage when performing. This has all shaped me as a human being. I like to dress up and experiment with clothes and I love wearing and doing my makeup however this doesn’t define who I am. When I really started to connect myself with the ‘feminist’ I thought that to be taken seriously I had to suppress certain things that I love like clothing and makeup. I felt as though I had to steer away from this girly mentality because it was perceived as high maintenance and not the smartest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean. However, I’m now saying fuck it. I still receive comments and looks from men and woman, judging the way I look, however at least I am being truthful to myself.

During the second-wave feminist in the 60’s woman were suppressed and put into a box. They were meant to look beautiful, cook and clean for the family however never hold down a paying job. Women wanted more. They wanted to be taken seriously, have a career for themselves and have the same god damn rights as men do. These incredible woman paved the way for so many amazing opportunities that we have today. Who am I kidding, they aren’t amazing opportunities they are fucking basic rights every human being should have. But anyway, I feel as though due to these stereotypes of the ‘girly-girl’ woman no longer show this side to them because they want to be taken seriously. No, I’m not trying to say that all woman want to be girly and I’m not trying to say woman have to be girly because woman and men can be whoever the fuck they want to be. However, many woman suppress their feminine side to fit into the gender norms of a successful human. However, what we are all forgetting is that our femininity is our power. I feel as though woman have compromised their whole lives. To receive one thing they must shed apart of them and I’m just not down for it. No sir, I’m not.

Before living in Utah I never felt as though I had to prove anything to anyone. Men and woman in Sydney for the most part are put on the same pedestal. However in Utah, it’s a little different. Due to the Mormon culture that is so present in the community, there is a large group of humans that believe in the same things as you and I do. And they yell it loud and clear. I personally think this is incredible just how many people are willing to stand up for their rights as individuals, however it also has a dark side. In the ideal world we shouldn’t have to fight for equal rights and inclusion. I live right next to the temple. Many people I pass on my morning commute are from the LDS community and the looks I receive walking to work everyday is unbelievable. Whether it’s because I’m being too provocative, like showing a shoulder or wearing a short dress, it happens everyday. I’ve never had people stare at me and now I feel like I’m an animal in a cage. It’s a surreal feeling and it’s one of the reasons why I wrote this blog. I was once picked up by an uber driver. He chose to tell me that this city was being ruined by humans like me. All because I was wearing a singlet top and worked in the coffee industry. Unfortunately it’s not just the people who call themselves LDS (Latter-day Saints), but also the people who grew up in that community. I don’t like to say that every ex-mormon has these views however many that I stumble upon seem to have extreme views embedded into their brain. My ex being one of them. He comes across as being very forward thinking and easy going however the minute we started dating he had these crazy ideas that if I wore a low cut shirt, it meant I was asking for attention from other men. Or if I hung out with men, I wanted to fuck them. I don’t necessarily blame him for these views, he grew up with them and his family still holds these standards. However, he definitely hasn’t attempted to see the other side to this. Instead blaming others for doing these things when in reality it’s very normal. Post breakup is when I really started to speak my mind. I was lucky in my past and had never been at the receiving end sexism, so I was definitely blinded by what was really going on. However, now that I live in Utah I think it is essential to speak your mind openly and honestly and express yourself in anyway you feel.

If I want to put makeup on my face and wear a hot pink dress, I should be allowed to without receiving comments on how shallow, high maintenance and boring I must be. I should be taken seriously in every job I do because I’m a hard working, intelligent woman. And lastly I shouldn’t be sexualized because I wanted to show a shoulder or undo an extra button on my shirt. I am a girly-girl and I like it.

Does couples counseling always work?

Every relationship has its ups and downs, some worse than others. We often seek a professionals advise to help us overcome hurdles in order to ‘save’ relationships. I myself have attended couples counseling with a previous lover only to find out that in fact it only made things worse. I personally believe therapy of any kind is an excellent idea. Be it for yourself, sex, relationships and anything few and far between. We as humans can learn from each other to better ourselves. However, what if your relationship is abusive, or your lover is controlling. Can this be saved? Can we grow and learn together as partners to make change for the better? my belief is a harsh no and unfortunately so many of us learn that the hard way.

When the loved ones around me started to realize my relationship was abusive they tried to communicate their concern as pleasantly as possible. I didn’t want to listen at the time, I was in complete denial. One thing that was recommenced over and over again was couples counseling. Nobody knew the devastating effects this could potentially lead my relationship into. As for me, I knew we needed help and it seemed like a step forward in the relationship without placing all blame on him.

Couples counseling is all about working together as a team, however in an abusive relationship there is really only one person that needs to change. Obviously everyone has things they can work on however I’m talking about the detrimental stuff people! The stuff that changes and affects people for life not the “you didn’t wash up after dinner last night”. So with that, when attending counseling with a partner you are both taking an even split of the responsibility. You are agreeing that both people need to change in order for things to get better, this is just simply not true. You are not doing anything wrong at all. Unfortunately what the counselor can’t say is “Get the fuck out of this NOW!” instead they look for a way you can both compromise with each other. This only makes the victim more and more submissive. You are already making sacrifices and compromising with this person to try and make them happy. However, you are forgetting that first and for most you need to be happy.

In my case, our therapist at the time clearly saw what was happening in the relationship, he would request to only sit with my partner once a month, however my partner still wanted me to come along. So it isn’t all the therapist. The relationship with you and your lover play a huge role in this situation also. If they cannot recognize what they are doing then you are just banging your head against a brick wall. My counselor was trying to be fair and listen to my partners insecurities and frustrations whether he agreed or not. One thing to note as well was I never felt confident enough to say that he was actually physically abusing me. I sat there every week wanting to blurt it out however never wanted to upset my partner. This is very common, we often hold back information. Whether it’s because you are in denial, scared or trying to protect your significant other, it happens so often. Once this relationship ended I went to counseling on my own. The very first session they asked me to explain why I was coming. I first off balled my eyes out the entire session, and told the story of the past two years of my life. The minute I told her we went to couples counseling she just lowered her head. She already knew what was coming next. When they call it a cycle they really mean it. The same thing happens to everyone. Couples counseling is on so many of these peoples checklists and unfortunately, just like me it made everything worse.

If you think your relationship is unhealthy or something is not quite right, call a hotline (will link below). Speak to them anonymously over the phone. You will feel free to speak your mind without judgement or anyone close to you finding out the truth. Not because you shouldn’t tell anyone but because I understand how hard it is to tell people close to you. You feel weak, dumb and embarrassed that you allowed this to happen, however you didn’t allow this to happen. Someone took advantage of your love, its not acceptable and you deserve much more.

Love Always, Ashley

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1800-799-7233

Someone tried the ‘naked man’ on me

Does everyone remember the naked man from How I Met Your Mother? Well if you don’t know, you should go now and watch that show from start to finish and if you do, well that happened to me and let’s just say it almost worked. Almost.

So I had been out for drinks with this guy a few times. He was funny, very funny and he was just a great person to hang with. However there was one issue. I wasn’t attracted to him in anyway. It was clear he wanted something out of this and I just couldn’t bring myself to it. However I was being an ass and kissing him when we were drunk so I guess you could say I was was being a ‘fuck boy’. The more I write about these stories the more I think I need to check myself. Am I what I hate? Well shit. That’s for another time I guess.

There was one night he wanted to walk me home. Now I didn’t want him to but I’m unfortunately a Libra. I’m the worlds biggest people pleaser. So I let him. Once we got to mine he wanted to come in for a drink and I again agreed for one drink… Yes I’m also giving myself a facepalm so don’t worry. So he came up had a beer and I went to the bathroom. The next minute he’s on my bed naked. That’s right, naked. I stood there in shock and then laughed a lot. I don’t think he appreciated that. He’s one of those funny guys that I don’t think tries to be funny. He just is. So maybe he thought this was sexy, and maybe if I was attracted to him I would have thought it was sexy too. But I just didn’t know what to do. My first instinct was no. But then I felt that I owed it to him, so I tried for a solid min or so and then decided no this really isn’t for me. I told him I was too drunk and that he needed to go. He got changed and then grabbed another beer out of my fridge. I was in shock this dude wasn’t embarrassed, he did not give a fuck. He continued to ask if he could stay the night. Probably in hopes that I sober up and he can fuck me in the morning. But by this point I couldn’t believe it. I said no and offered to book him an uber. Part of me secretly loved saying that because it’s such a ‘man’ thing to do to a woman, so for me to say it felt fucking powerful. He ended up leaving on his own accord and that was that.

Here’s the thing, the naked man, a hilarious act to watch on TV. Clearly where this dude got it from. In reality was super disrespectful. By doing the naked man it made me feel as though I owed it to him now. I felt like I had to fuck him. I’ve had way to many people make me feel like I can’t say no, I don’t know if they realize it but if someone is hesitating stop pushing for it. Be a respectful human and move on. I used to question if this was my fault. Being a people pleasure I do have a tendency to have a hard time saying no, but I have always showed my hesitation loud and clear or made up 300 excuses to not and they still keep pushing. So for me, if you are fucking someone for the first time or just trying to fuck them please don’t try the naked man. It’s going to make the other person feel incredibly uncomfortable. However, if you have been dating or fucking for a while and this has been discussed as a good to go thing I say fucking go for it. Gives you a good laugh and shows your vulnerable side. So the moral of the story here, read your situation. Discuss things with your partner and lastly don’t do the naked man on the first date.

Love Always, Ashley

Chaotic Love

TW: domestic abuse

Speak Up

So here I am, sitting down and writing this. Its taken me a year to get to this point. A year to not feel ashamed or embarrassed to show that this happened to me. A year to not put blame on myself and a year to not feel held down by someone. I’m still going, I’m still struggling and I still get emotional from time to time. However I feel as though I need to turn this chapter into a positive once and for all. Im still working on myself and that may take a little longer than I expected however I want to communicate with you all my experience in hopes that someone going through a similar situation can find strength and put themselves first. So here we go.

Let me take you back to 3 years ago. I just moved across the world. From Sydney, Australia to Park City, Utah. I was terrified and excited all at once. I spent the first month digging into work. There was a man who came into my work to get coffee every morning. He was lovely, outgoing, a little quiet and very handsome. I reached out and we went skiing. I felt an instant connection. After that day we hung out every few days until eventually it was everyday. We moved quickly. Very quickly. We started dating after a month and he moved into my apartment at 5ish weeks. I was so in love so quickly and I had never felt so much happiness with another person in my life. I genuinely thought to myself this is the one. I looked up to him, I thought he was perfect. Everything about him made me happy and I felt lucky that I was the one that got to spend special moments with him.

We quickly grew into a family, however things started to get a little complicated. We had different views on life. I grew up allowed to express myself in anyway I felt. However after a few months, I wasn’t aloud to wear certain clothing. I know it sounds ridiculous that I am going on about clothing however for me and I know a lot of people it is self expression. I feel my most confident when I love what I am wearing. It was also the very first red light flag of control that I did not see at the time. Little things like this started to happen over time. I wasn’t aloud to wear the clothes I wanted, I couldn’t hang out with male colleagues, I couldn’t drink with colleagues, I couldn’t go out without telling him where I was going at all times. I started to feel trapped however I was so in love with this person I couldn’t walk away. He promised to change and work on himself as he had expressed that what he was doing was wrong. All while this was happening we got joint bank accounts, a dog and continued to spend every single day together no matter what. He was my best friend, however he didn’t work on himself and things only got worse. I now wasn’t aloud to hang out with female friends from work either. If I wanted to go somewhere I had to wait until he was home. I was being controlled day to day. I wasn’t making decisions for myself anymore and I became reliant on him telling me what to do. I lost confidence and gained some weight. I sat at home waiting for him to come home on my days off. I was depressed without realizing I was depressed because I believed that he made me so happy. I believed this was what a relationship was supposed to be like. Compromise. and don’t get me wrong it is, however you cannot compromise your entire being to please someone else. All this did was send me into a downward spiral. After having so many boundaries put up around me I then started to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. If I went out during the day on my day off I was told I was lying about where I was and that he didn’t trust that I wasn’t with someone else. If I didn’t go out on my day off I was told I was lazy, boring and unattractive. At this point I had no friends around me. I had blocked out the people who really cared about me (you know who you are) because they were telling me everything I didn’t want to hear. That this relationship was toxic and manipulative and abusive. My mum sent me articles on domestic abuse, something I knew about however really had no idea about at the same time. As I’m reading the cycle of abuse and flags you should look for when in one, I realized everything matched up. However I still didn’t believe it. I thought we were different. I thought our relationship was going to get better, go back to the way it first was because that’s the person I held onto. The man I fell in love with. 

Unfortunately I kept holding on and things started to escalate. My partner at the time started to drink. He always drank however started to drink more often. Our fights became more regular and our make ups became more intense. Everything was amplified. I felt more hurt and confusion while also feeling more and more in love each day. Now that I look back on this I wonder if it was my heart telling me I was in love or whether it was complete manipulation. We started to go to counseling, to work on trust and to work on our differences. Things got better for a month or so before they took the biggest turn in the wrong direction. One thing I would like to note is that when you are in an abusive relationship couples counseling does not work and it never will. You are not the issue. I didn’t realize this at the time and so I continued to go with him every week. All this did was make me more submissive. They teach you to compromise which I was already doing so much of. I stopped standing up for myself which in return meant I stopped caring for myself. Things began to become physical however for some reason it never alarmed me. I never stood there and said this is an issue. It would happen at night and the next morning I would forgive him. Or even worse he would leave, make me feel bad and I would be the one that ended up apologizing for things that didn’t exist. My brain started and still does think in a different way. I question everything I say. I would apologize for things that I didn’t need to say sorry for and I started telling lies about things that were never an issue. I would lie about not leaving the house to go to the shops because I thought it would upset him and eventually I would blurt out the truth which would end up in an argument that escalated. I was completely trapped in a vicious cycle and no matter what I did it never seemed to be good enough. 

Things continued to get worse and worse until it was over.

One night I was one hour late back from work. He wasn’t happy and said that I was lying about where I was. We were opening a new store downtown so everything was very chaotic. When I got home there were beer cans everywhere. He was in our room and I knew how things ended with alcohol so I sat down in the living room feeling stressed, angry and guilty about not being back at curfew. An hour and a half went by and he came out and was upset with me for not comforting him when he was upset, I apologized again. He asked to check my phone which was an almost daily thing at this point and he saw a number that was not saved. He was intoxicated and angry and started screaming at me. It was a fake call (one of those ones you get when people are trying to get your details). I tried to show him that it wasn’t real however he wouldn’t give me my phone back. I was done fighting at this point.

A few days earlier I came home to him drunk, telling me that I ate myself fat, I was ugly and boring and that I was unattractive. I still have this whole conversation on my phone because I recorded it to show him the next day. I never did. 

But anyway, I ended up walking away into the bathroom to go to the toilet. He cornered me. Pushing, shoving and screaming. I put my hands behind my back and told him to move and that I felt uncomfortable. He kept screaming “no, tell me the truth”. 40 minutes had passed of me being pushed around and backed into a corner. At this point I almost wanted to lie however was scared of the consequences. I was frustrated, tired, sad and just over it. I asked him to move one last time, when he didn’t I punched him in the stomach. He immediately dropped his hands and body away from me and looked up at me and said “I can’t believe my girlfriend would hit me”. I told him it was out of self defense and that he made me feel uncomfortable. He paced around the house crying, acting like a victim until his personality completely changed. This was the moment I knew I was in trouble. It was the first time I had seen the blatant manipulation directly in my face and it was terrifying. He held my neck against the wall and started to choke me. He did this multiple times, over and over again until he threw a beer at me and then poured one over my head- for some reason this hurt me more than anything, it was a clear sign of disrespect. He then ran outside, locked himself in my car, called his mum and started crying. I ran out after him asking for my car keys as I purchased the car, however at the time of the purchase I couldn’t drive so he convinced me to put it in his name and then we would transfer it over to mine. That never happened. I never got that car back or that money back. His mum told him to leave because I was going to put him in jail. I never did. I reported the incident and once talking about the situation and showing photos, the police decided there was no other option other than to arrest him due to the severity of the situation. After studies done on domestic abuse it has been proven that choking is the next step before murder. I was in denial about this at the time because I never thought he would do that, however after educating myself I have come to realize that all abusive relationships will end in death. Whether it’s 10 months or 10 years it will happen. Scary I know! I balled my eyes out and begged them not too. I was still very much in love with him and didn’t want to see him suffer. I wanted to protect him no matter what. Due to him being out of the country at the time this case went straight to court, I wrote a letter to the court with my advocate provided by the police and they decided to not press charges on my behalf. At the time I felt an immense amount of relief, whether it was out of fear or love I’m not sure, however all I know now is that standing up for him was the biggest regret I’ve made throughout this whole journey.

That night I left. Packed one tiny bag, walked away and regretted it completely. To everyone reading this who hasn’t been through abuse before, it sounds insane I know. Completely insane. However, its manipulation and he had a pull on me. He told me to leave that night. So I did. I thought he didn’t want me anymore. The next morning we spoke on the phone and he was upset that I left, he said he could have fixed everything. I believed him. However I was with good people who convinced me not to go back. 

The thing that scares me the most about all of this is that I didn’t leave because I wanted to, I left because he told me to. I left because I was doing what he said. Since that night, I’ve gone back multiple times. I’ve hidden it from everyone around me because I knew no one would approve. However a few months ago, he pushed me away again. He told me I had serious mental health issues and that I needed help. I was so upset and angry because by this point I had started to realize how much he was able to control me. Not to mention he was struggling with mental health throughout our relationship and that is never something to use against someone or put in a negative light. I ended up blocking him on social media and have not seen him since. I am proud of that. I am proud that I am finally starting to move on, even if it was after he pushed me away. I finally have no want to run back to him. After giving him my car, my income, paying off debts for him, picking him up from jail (not related to this) and last but not least the one that’s the hardest of them all. Giving him the access to my soul, my heart, my entire being. I can finally say I’m done. I have nothing else to give and I don’t want to give someone that has no respect for me anything of me. I’ve already made that mistake and I will not do it again. The hardest part about this whole experience is no matter how mad or hurt I am from this person he still creeps in my mind everyday, filling me with anxiety and a butt load of questions. Unfortunately this is what happens when someone manipulates you. They have the ability to drag you back into the toxicity time and time again.

From all of this, Im not trying to shame or call someone out. Im learning to speak up and believe in myself again. I hope this can help someone in need. If you are going through anything similar to this remember who you were. Remember you are strong, intelligent and incredible. You do not need someone to make you YOU. You are all you need. I will never be that same outgoing person I once was, however I hope to turn this complete negative into a positive. No matter how deep the love you feel, walking away shows that you love yourself first and that’s so god damn important.

After the event.

Love always, Ashley 

Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1800-799-SAFE

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1800-656-4673